WISHFUL THINKING

Sometimes I wish the reverse of life was true. We wake up from the graveyard with a semi decomposed body and walk straight from the cemetary to the old folks home and gradually recover. Within 10 years we are chased out because we are getting younger and noisier and refuse to clean up the new arrivals mess.Then we get married and and get even younger and so we dont have the commitments of marriage. Eventually we descend into puberty and move on to the pre puberty stage. Then we discover that we are growing smaller and smaller and grow into infants.Then we are ushered into special homes for babies and then finally- VOILA- we vanish into the thin smoke with a great sense of orgasm! Maybe,whoever is responsible for getting the human race started should have consulted me first!!!

I MET A MAN

AS I WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS,
I MET A MAN WHO WASNT THERE.
HE WASNT'T THERE AGAIN TODAY!
OH- HOW I WISH HE WOULD GO AWAY!!

THERE WAS AN OLD MAN FROM PERU

THERE WAS AN OLD MAN FROM SOMEWHERE IN PERU,
WHO DREAMT THAT HE WAS EATING HIS VERY OLD SHOE.
HE WOKE UP IN A HORRIBLE FRIGHT,
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SILENT NIGHT,
AND FOUND IT WAS PERFECTLY TRUE!!!
ANONYMOUS

A VISIT TO THE JUVENILE PRISON-RAWANG

Last Sunday I visited the Rawang Prison- this prison is only for juveniles.After the usual security clearance- we were ushered into the hall and across the field I could see a sea of red- all youngsters wearing red t-shirts and squatting on the floor waiting for our arrival.

Malaysia has progressed in many ways but there is also a severe moral decline.I had mixed feelings seeing all those young people here for various crimes. They should be in College and preparing for their own future.But they somehow landed in here.What went wrong? There are no easy answers in this prison. I try not to get preachy but someone has to say it. These guys all ask for help- from contacting their family members- many of them had been disowned by their parents because of the serious nature of the crimes they had committed and the embarassment they had caused their family members. I had to tell them- " Before you ask anyone for help or assistance-before you start making phonecalls- Repent before God- admit that what you did was wrong.

One particular sordid story was this- four guys had broken into a home- and the only daughter of the family was there- they had robbed her and tied her up and sexually molested her-that incident left the young girl traumatised.But there was one problem-when they narrated this story to me- they told me this story with smiling faces- no remorse!! How do we handle issues like these?

I met young car thieves,drug peddlars,gambling syndicates, gangsters,pimps, petty thieves and murderers in there. I was surrounded by them that Sunday. Yes in Malaysia we have a problem and this issue needs to be raised in Parliament.But our politicians are busy shouting at each other in Parliament and raising a "very important issue"- about wearing a songkok!! I am afraid we have elected shallow minded politicians who only know how to shout and scream. Others dont mind getting arrested- because it gets them momentary fame. To me - its plain STUPID and irresponsible.

I urge you to avoid luxuries during this time and invest in missions "For the son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost."

KELINGA KUI!! (INDIAN DEVILS)

It was past midnight and the night was pitch black.Me and my buddies- Bala and Sivaji all lay crouched amidst the thick lallang grass which were plentiful in the area.( I was 15 years old then) We were all waiting for the moment when the lights in the house up the little hill to go off and then we would spring into action. We had made this plan all day long at the Chinese cemetary and now the moment was here. Our target- the cluster of durians up there in the tree belonging to a skinny old Chinese man and his family.

The night was so still and warm and the mosquitoes were giving us a bad time.But we were determined to sit through. My friend Bala whispered in exasperation- Why doesen't that Chinese Apek- just go to sleep? Its already so late. Then in the stillness of the night we clearly heard the words in Hokkien- "KUM HOAY KALIAU KEE KOON LAH!! MAH CHAI CHEAH DOLIAN!!"(off the lights- its time to sleep- tomorrow we eat durian!!). Then at last- the lights went off and it was pitch black.

Then we came out of the tall lallang grass and sprang into action. Sivaji immediately started scaling up the trees. On the ground was me and Bala with our sacks to gather the horny loot.Then, suddenly in the stillness of the night I thought I heard something in the lallang stirring behind us.Unknown to us, the Chinese Apek had somehow managed to sneak right behind us and waiting quietly- and he too was concealed somewhere in the lallang -we just didnt know where, and he had brought along a long bamboo stick in his hand.

I think he swung the bamboo real hard at Bala because I heard Bala scream in pain-YAMMMMMAHHHH!!the yell of Bala resembled the squeal of a village pig which just got its throat slit.I had always thought that Bala was a tough guy but that night he proved me wrong- I had never heard him scream so loud in pain. Then the Chinese Apek started yelling- "KELINGA KUI!!KELINGA KUI!!WAH PAK LOO SEE!!( Indian devils, Indian devils!!I 'll beat you to death!) Next thing we knew,suddenly the lights in the house were on again and I saw a few guys started rushing out of the house all holding huge sticks in their hands.

For a moment, I froze in terror and Bala got another "whump!!" AYAHHH!! then I threw the sacks as Bala bolted down the hill terrified, with me running right behind him. We ran without looking back. Sivaji jumped off the tree and fled in the opposite direction-and disappeared into the thick darkness somewhere into the thick lallang again- but not without a few whacks from the group which jumped out of the house. Next day I saw Sivaji limping and Bala with a huge swelling on his right arm all with depressed looks on their faces. All three of us sat at the same cemetary in silence.Well,that was one misadventure I could never forget. The moral of the story- if you are planning to steal durians make sure the owner is not hiding around somewhere nearby with a bamboo stick!

THE SUNDAY JOKE- SORRY AUNTIES.

Sunday I was preaching at a certain church where there was a fair mixture of ladies and gentleman. I was preaching on the life and times of Abraham and mentioned his wife Sarah, how she managed to keep her beauty even in her old age. So I mentioned the following joke which apparently didnt go down well, judging from the ladies angry looks.

A couple who were married for thirty years were getting ready to go to church. The lady looking into the mirror and noticed her bulging tummy and flabby body.Then she said to her husband- Oh Dear I have grown old, fat and ugly. There are wrinkles on my face, quite a sprinking of grey hairs on my head and and my whole body is out of shape.!! I feel so depressed and down. Can you please say something to cheer me up?

Her husband said." You certainly have very good eyesight!"

The men laughed but a few ladies looked at me sternly. So I quickly cut the crap and moved back to the story of father Abraham.

A MOTHERS TRICK

I was really looking foward to the weekend holidays during Merdeka Day. Wanted to go to Pahang to visit somebody I know. But most of all, I love the drive and the solitude in that part of the country. But all my plans were dashed when I called my mum in Penang.She's into her 70's now. I heard a faint whispering voice on the other side of the phone. She narrated , into between faint breathings, how weak she felt and had pain all over her body. That was enough!! I thought this was the last few hours for her on planet earth. I cancelled all my plans and drove all the way to Penang.l I didnt even have my usual teh tarik along the highway. I had to be home as soon as possible.

After a tiring 4 1/2 drive I arrived in Penang, parked my car and walked speedily to the house. I knocked on the door and my sisters son opened the door and behold- there was my mum, seated comfortably on a sofa and watching ASTRO!!! I angryly said" I thought you were sick!!!" And she smilingly said" Yes, but i got better!" I was fuming all the more.